An excerpt from ‘Bloody Hell, Billy!’ originally performed at the Thame theatre in October 2023.

This excerpt is from Act Two of Bloody Hell, Billy! Will is Billy’s father, Anna is Billy’s love interest, though not quite at this point. Billy has fallen victim to the family curse which has turned him into a vampire.

Will: Sit with me, son. 


(Will sits down and passes Billy a beer. Billy accepts the beer and sits on the sofa alongside Will.)


Will: I’m sorry for not telling you. 


Billy: Do you not think it might be a little late for apologies? 


Will: I know, I know. I didn’t intend for us to live like this, you know. 

This life is a wasteland, this home is just four walls and roof and 

nothing more and I know I should fix it for you but I can’t.


Billy: Don’t worry about it.


Will: All I do is worry. Your mum, my beautiful Lily, she’d never

have allowed any of this. If she were here now she’d walk in, wiggle her

finger and that would be it, we’d be okay. But she’s not here.


Billy: Because you killed her.


Will: Because I killed her. I killed the only thing that made me want to get up

In the morning, the reason I used to breathe so easy. 


Billy: I think I forgive you.


Will: What?


Billy: I might forgive you one day. I’m not there yet, but I know you weren’t 

entirely to blame. It’s this curse. I’m not Billy anymore. 


Will: You’re still in there. You can’t let it consume you.


Billy: Why not? I don’t think I have much of a choice.


Will: If you let it consume you, you’ll become me. That’s been my biggest 

concern. Most sons mirror their fathers, but I never want to look towards

you and see myself. Promise me Bill that you will fight this thing. 


Billy: I promise.


(Anna knocks on the front door. Billy goes to answer it and Will exits.)


Anna: I left my coat. I’m just getting it, but then I really need to go.


Billy: I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant to hurt anyone, 

especially not you. 


Anna: You did hurt me, you hurt me a lot. 


Billy: I’m not proud of it. 


Anna: My ex-boyfriend almost died because you couldn’t keep your teeth

to yourself. 

Billy: Ex-boyfriend?


Anna: Not the subject right now, but I went to see him at the hospital and it 

was like a youth club in there. 


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Murder at The Marigold Inn - Excerpt